i farkin hate my life.. i dunno wats wrong w me la.. i want to meet him badly today la.. cuz im totally not feelin great la.. dan he din wan to.. he would rather be at tat stupid chalet cuttin cake dan be with me wen i need him da most.. he dun even know how i feel la.. how in da world did i get such an insensitive bf.. dun he know dat wen gers say they are fine wen they are totally not?! my gosh.. he tinks im someone wout feelin is it.. wen i was feelin darn sad one moment.. da next moment i will be fine!!! i will not lor.. haiz.. im really pissed at him la.. wats w i dun tink i can meet u.. they cuttin cake ltr.. meet u tml k.. ui tell me la!!! urgh.. if he cant be ther ewen i really need him da most.. he can juz jolly well go eat shit!!! i dunno la.. dun even feel like msgin him.. dun feel like talkin to him.. dun even feel like seein him anymore.. im juz so pissed w him la.. URGH!!!

well well.. met up w amanda and chin today.. and i had a glimpse of wats gonna happen next year.. we will be in different class.. havin different tings.. i really dunno will we be as close as now la.. will they talk to me like now.. will they leave me out.. last nite i was so bothered abt tis dat i asked belle.. wat if next year they dun wanna be w me anymore.. cuz im a retainee.. and they tink dat its embarassin to have a fren as a retainee.. belle say they wun.. i oso hope tat they wun.. but.. im really darn imsecure w it la.. i.. i.. i.. really cant take it anymore.. i love dem loads.. i dun wanna lose them..dey are the closest batch of frens i have.. primary sch batch.. wen all get to sec sch.. some how got too lost w dat busy schedule dan din get to contact oso.. dan.. sec sch they all.. aft knowin ting they all.. tze chi is closer to them dan me.. we are still close la.. but not as close.. well.. fer becky.. we are still close.. still got contact and all.. but.. somehow i tink i cant understand her now.. her life is really.... i dunno how to say la.. juz feel dat we had some kinda drifted apart.. as in our mind and soul are not as closed as before.. haiz.. dan i get to know them.. my dear freeLANcers.. they are my dearest dearest.. if they are really goin to drift apart frm me.. dan dats da end of da world alr.. dan i can cinclude dat my life is sad.. i cant keep frens.. hope dat day will never come la.. haiz.. i really cant imagine class and sch life wout them.. its darn different la.. imagine early in da mornin assembly will be so alone wout them to be by myside talkin rubbish.. dan wen we go fer lessons.. no nonsense tgt.. i really cant go on la.. da mor ei say da more my heart will break.. i really love them lor.. haiz.. i better stop here la.. or else.. i will goldfish eyes tml morning le.. kk.. see ya.. love my freeLANcers fer ever..

FREELANCERS WILL NEVER BE SEPARATED!!!

haiz.. i really dunno wat to say.. other dan its da end of me.. i really feel like dyin la.. wats there fer me to live anymore?! i know i know.. its not the end of da world.. but u r not me.. u do not understand!!! sighz.. dats it man.. my gosh la.. my dearest freeLANcers cried w me la.. wah..im nth but a failure.. real failure.. i sux! im dumb! i shld have been cleverer to choose things dat i wun regret!!! if i din drop my HCL!!! i wuld have make it!!! if i wuld have choose to do dat monopoly qn i wuld have pass my econs!!! dan i wuld not have to go thru watever i have to go thru now.. i juz cant imagine being in da same college w them yet in da different class la.. i juz cant do it.. i love them like nut head lor.. haiz.. i hate myself.. all dat i have is gone.. GONE!!! im sad..but i dunwan ppl ard me to be sad.. haiz.. i juz cant bear to see the rest of em sad bcuz of me.. im da root of all evil..its me me me me me me me.. now i really dunno wat to do!!! stay in ny or get outta there?! i dun mind stayin but i juz cant accept da fact dat my life in sch will be wout da freeLANcers.. i really need them.. cant imagine lessons aft lessons wout them.. and its 1 whole year!!! im such a loser.. im so dumb.. im a shame to da family.. i hate myself.. period!!!

im so tired.. im so pissed.. im so careless.. ahiz.. if i had been more careful the whle group might not have to redo da whole ppt.. its all my fault. its all my fault.. if i could have been more careful all tis will not be happening. and can u believe it?! connie and jiam are actually so nice to say its ok.. my liang xin really guo bu qu lor.. zhe shi wo yi shou zao cheng de.. huo ying gai wo yi ren bei.. haiz.. im so tired la.. whole day facing dat bloody comp.. come home still have to save.. xianz.. i really cant wait fer all this to end.. i cant take it anymore.. its really getting on my nerve adn it pisses me off.. y?y?y?y?y?y?y?y?y? no point askin qn when nobody is able to ans them fer me.. haiz.. my emotions are now darn cocked up la.. im stress by this op ting.. pissed at myself.. pissed at hwee hoon.. dan ms tan juz taol me things dat i dun really wanna hear.. haiz.. dun know la.. i really tired le.. no mood to blog oso.. urgh.. i dun wanna be separated from my dear free lancers.. i love them!!! they are the reasons why i can tahan sch.. :/

dat freakin tan hwee hoon.. u r gettin on my nerves!!! stop tryin to shrink all responsibilities.. dun tink u r sick and therefore u shall not do any work.. tis is project work.. not individual work.. we are supposed to work as a group.. if u r sick.. fine.. we cut down on ur workload.. but dat doesnt mean dat u dun nid to do anything.. and i really mean ANYTHING!!! u r farkin pissin me off.. do u know me and jiam have finished our part fer da OP slides.. dan we passed it connie and u.. watever dat is left.. hwee hoon is supposed to share w connie.. and juz now wen connie msg me sayin she is goin to send me da slides to see if she got do anything wrong.. or is there any ammendments needed.. so i asked her hwee hoon did her part ar.. she replied sayin dat fui foon asked her to do all da slides dan she will work on da speech.. and u know wat.. fui foon asked we all to stay back tml and do da speech.. cuz she dunno if we wanna add anything.. and she oni do da outline!!! wat da fark la.. she say she is goin to do da speech and look now.. we are goin to da speech and she is goin to get all credits!!! ha. i will not let dat happen.. i will talk to connie and jiam tml and dan we will go tell fat roundy bird abt it.. all of it.. how she din even do anyhting aft findin resources.. she is farkin pissing me off!!! wat da hell la.. i will do da speech bcum we will do da speech la.. dan can u kindly tell me wat did she do?! wah.. i have been enduring all her shit fer da past 6 mths.. now i really cannot do it le!!! can u tell how effective we are.. me connie and jiam.. wout her ard.. job can be done so fast!!! cant imagine how much time we wasted w her ard!!! URGH!!! i juz wanna kill her.. how i wish her stupid brain will get burned by dat stupid fever of hers!!! and i still cant believe it dat she actually left connie alone in da library to do all da work and juz leave liddat.. talk abt responsibilities!!! i can really tahan her no more.. tan hwee hoon if u r ever readin tis.. read it clear k.. we know who is doin work and who is not.. dun try to beat ard da bush and make all ur work bcum ours.. we will not help u do.. watever is urs is urs.. so pls.. DO UR WORK!!! fer da whole pw.. pls lor.. wat did u do except findin resources?! and lookin fer tchs.. althou u may do things here and there..but can u pls look at it.. how much is of use to our project?! really lor.. we really have to resign to our fate.. being in da same grp as u.. it is da worst joke anybody can play on us!!! really lor.. u really suck!!! tml if u come up to me and ask me to stay back.. u shall see la huh.. u tis sickly feverish pale white slow woman.. u r gettin on my nerve.. u r irritatin da shit out of me!!! juz wanna let u know dat i dun say anything.. our grp dun say anything doesnt mean dat we can continue lettin u do things the way it is lor!!! i shall let u know wo bu shi hao re de!!! u freakin white piece of trash!!!

ha.. aft letin all my anger.. i feel so much better.. but im still pissed!! anyway.. i met my darlin maneka.. it has been so long since we met up.. woah.. we really talked alot.. haha.. we went ard tryin to find her da perfect shoe fer her stupid golden feet.. aha.. in da end she din buy la.. dan acc her to tpy to cut her beloved tresses.. well its shorter now.. duh rite..who cut hair wun get shorter de.. haha.. anyway yah.. met up w her and we really talked la.. tml she is goin fer her attachment.. 1st day.. wish her all da best fer her 1st day of work.. haha.. hmm.. oh!!! my dear chinny chin chin was workin juz now dan i go find her fer awhile.. dan i got da icecream.. haha.. so nice ar.. whahahaahaha.. k la.. im lame la.. but who ask me to love new zealand icecream.. haha.. k la.. wanna go do my stuff le.. shall stay on fer wat happen in sch tml yah.. stay tuned.. same channel..same place... abt da same time.. tata.

well.. today had a call.. da fateful cal.. da depressin call..i had alr tried to keep everythign outta my mind but tat stupid call spoilt everything!!! and i really mean everything!!! ms tan said i muz be mentally prepared to be retained..cuz i failed my maths dan myecons oni an 'ao'pass.. its not adequate fer me to promote la.. i was eatin.. dan da call came..spoilt my appetite la.. but in order not to let my pals worri i continued eatin.. actin normal..but well..haiz.. somehow i manage not to cry..finally k.. i can contol my tears.. up till now.. i still haven cry yet.. i muz be strong.. cannot cry anymore!!! even wen talkin to belle i oso din cry.. is there sth wrong me?! or am i juz too numb alr?! well.. i duno.. my mind is juz a blank..everyting happened ard me is like a daze.. my life is like a daze.. haiz.. well.. cant promote de hua..its fated de lor..wat can i do rite.. well the qn now is whether do i wanna saty on in nyjc or leave to poly or wat.. my dear freeLANcers will all be promotin la..dan im not..even if i retain.. sch life will never be the same alr.. lesson.. breaks..muggin..mornin ass.. toilet breaks..all tis will never be the same alr!!! =( today they were so nice la..went ps with jiam yc van and aly aft sch.. dan they surprised me w dat bottle of sweet dat i really wanted to get la.. cuz i love eatin it ma.. hah.. they were really so nice la.. i was so touched.. my heart was cryin..but my eyes wun..dunno wats wrongw my eyes..tears juz dun seems to be flowin out la.. tis is so not me la.. haiz... wats wrong?! i dunno la..so many tings are runnin thru my mind la.. haiz.. first is my studies.. i wun to promote la.. but if i cant.. wat to do rite.. zhi hao ren ming le.. dan aft dat is my parents..promote de hu..they will not be so troubled la.. i know daddy mummy loves me alot la.. they will let me do watever i want but still it will upsets em de.. dan.. i will feel dat i really throw daddy mummy de face lor.. haiz..dan new year i will dread to go de.. haiz.. dan.. dear dear said dat his klass ppl all get da ns notice le.. they will be goin in on 17 dec.. my gosh..wen i heard dat my heart totally break la..how can i not live w him?! sighz.. my lil baby,, i really cant bear to let him go.. i need him in my life.. haiz.. wat if i start a new sch life wout my freeLANcers.. dan he's not here to giv me encouragement oso.. wah.. my life is really darn fucked up can!!! hate it!!! i hate it!!! i hate myself.. im causin myself so much problems!!! why am i bringin all tis upon myself?! suz la.. :(

wah.. i just got back my results.. its gone case le.. really gone case le.. im toonumb to feel anyhting anymore.. i really dunno wat to do except to be in a daze.. haiz.. wats wrong man? haiz.. although i always say if i cant promote i will tink if other hou lu.. althou i have several hou lu.. but i still care bout my results can.. i do care de lor.. but now in tis state.. i can care no more.. maybe tis is really a sign to show dat im really not fated to be in jc.. im really not fated ba.. but why? why? why?! why god want to put in jc in da first place.. god.. i really cant lie to myself sayin dat u have a plan fer me anymore.. look at my results!!! how am i goin to get promoted liddat?! how?! can sumbody ans why?! haiz.. i really got put in effort fer my scons lor.. i really study like cock lor.. but look!!! wat is datkind of marks i got?! do ir eally deserve dat?! do i?! can somebody pls tell me!!! hate it man!!! haiz.. i really dunno wat to do w my life anymore... ahld i juz work earn enuf $$ and get outta spore?! start afresh in new zealand.. haiz.. but i will still se bu de lor.. haiz.. i dunno la!!! my life really sux la.. how?! i wanna eat.. i wanna get out of sch.. i juz wanna saty away frm sch and rot.. and i seriously mean ROT!!! haiz.. my dear belle got no phone.. i cant find a way to call her.. to tell her how i feel.. belle is always da first person i turn to regardless of my troubles of my happiness.. she's my bestest fren.. but now.. tink got to wait until tonite wen she's at home dan can call her ba.. haiz.. wat if i really cannot promote.. i will miss my free lancers..t hey really brighten my day la.. they are really such great pals of mine la.. haiz.. if i go tp i will have to adapt to new things again.. new ppl.. new surroundin.. new lifestle in sch.. new course.. there will be no pals like em to be there fer me.. there will be no ms tan fer me to gossip.. no ms choong fer me to hate.. and no more council.. no more hse captian.. no more.. everythingwill be gone.. gone with da wind.. haiz.. my results really sux la.. i got no mood to do anything at all.. even my project which is due tis friday.. dat i really really have to complete la.. haiz.. tis really sux man.. URGH!!! i dun wish to talk.. dun wish to do anyting now!!! juz leave me alone.. or else i will bark!!! WOOF WOOF!! haha.. finally i laugh ar.. k la.. not laughin alr.. cuz i seriously cant laugh.. dun even have da mood to.. tell me how la.. how to pass wen i oni got a 'a'level pass fer chinese.. dan da rest is totally crap la.. haiz.. its irritating me.. urgh!!!

well..dunno wats wrong w me.. i get angry/irritated easily these few days.. haiz.. pms oso not so fats ma.. haha.. anyway.. i m really rather angry w darlin la.. we alr shuo hao wanna go out tgt de.. but in da mornin wen i wake up he called me and say dat we cant go out or rather he has to send me home by 3.. dan im like wats da point of goin out.. dan im rather angry lor.. its like fer so many days never see him.. dan today tot can see him.. i even plan wat to wear le.. dan he call up and say cant go out w me.. haiz.. i oso dunno wats wrong w me la.. i really wanted to go out w him la.. but its his aunt hsewarmin.. dan da father wan him to go.. so.. i cannot do anythign wat rite? dan i v bu shuang la.. dan he dunno why.. how stupid can he get? dan recently i oso dunno why.. i feel dat he dun love me as before le.. did sth happen? and im not aware off? but he is still as nice to me la..but he like everytime oso wanna quarrel w me..haiz.. i oso dunno why.. haiz........

u know wat.. i lost our ring.. can u imagine it? how can i be so careless?! im such an idiot la.. im such an ass.. i feel so guilty.. i let darlin down.. im an ass.. i oso dunno how.. most prob goin to get a new one.. we shall see how.. he was rather angry de la.. but he din lose his temper at me la.. cuz he say if he lost his temper dan i will oso lost temper..dan we will quarrel.. so he din lose his temper.. haiz.. i know dats sweet la..but im still guilty.. adn how can i be such an ass.. haiz.. its all my fault la.. if i have been more careful all this wuld never happen.. its all my fault.. feel dat i owe him one.. if i have kept it properly dan all tis wld not have happen.. haiz.. tis feelin sux la..

tml most prob will be gettin back our scripts.. shit lor.. i feel so sad.. and depress.. i really dun hav da courage to face it la.. i seriously hope dat i have the ability to get promoted la.. but.. well.. guess im not really dat good ba.. im an useless ass.. who cant even do well fer my own exams.. haiz.. really dunno wat to react man.. i tink i will be happy enuf to at least get an 'ao' pass.. as long as i got dat im happy alr ba.. i dunno.. but.. haiz.. my hopes toohigh le.. i cant even score well la.. i have to stop imagining tings and stop hallucinatin la.. haha.. watever it is.. i have alr gave my best.. and we shall juz see la.. well wish me luck will ya..

wah.. i really duno wats wrong with me.. today suddenly tot of erin.. dan da oni person i know dat keeps in touch w her is lyon.. was on friendster juz now.. dan wanted to leave him a mag.. but in da end i changed my mind.. and b4 i leave dat page i say a v eye catchin name- u go see urself la.. dan it turn out to be his gf la.. so i went and see dat pic.. wah.. i dunno why la.. but i wasnt feelin ok w it la.. dan juz nice belle is online dan i tell her.. dan she say first love lingers ferever.. i know it.. cuz belle told me loads of time alr..but.. is it realy true? i really dunno.. it has been so long..more dan a yr le.. and i feel dat i have so totally gotten over him.. but.. wat is dat was i feelin juz now? shit myself man.. im such a crap.. i cant feel anything more dan a fren to him anymore!!! cuz we r so totally over and we r great frens now.. we had gotten over our lives so well.. and well he is really not worth it la.. but y?y?y?y?y?y?y?y?y?y?y?y?y?y? i really wonder.. hmm.. belle said she wonder whether will he feel da same wen he see my pic w dan.. i really wonder la.. haha.. but i tink its so impossible la.. look at da time he need to take to get over me.. =( well.. its really not worth it aft all ba..but.. still somehow.. i gave in my all fer dat relationship and bcuz of him im so badly hurt dat now i still hav a lil barrier to guys ard me.. althou my relationship w daniel is great.. but somehow i still hav dat barrier there.. tink it will never be gone.. it will always be there.. juz like thou i have healed dat wound.. but da sscar will always be there.. it will never be gone..regardless of da size da depth.. da colour.. as in light or dark.. i will still have da scar!!! haiz.. really..matters of da heart really sux!!! sth i really wonder why will like da wrong guy.. its not juz once but twice.. and wen da second blow came..dats da end..im scarred fer life.. dats why daniel is so lucky dat i even giv him a chance.. haha.. k la..well.. thanx god daniel is not treatin me da way i used to be treated.. so i tink i wun regret havin him in my life.. i never did regret havin all of em in my life.. but.. well.. haiz.. i dunno wat to say la.. but i really wonder..

does first love really lingers forever?

wah..finally LEAPis over.. can live in peace fer a while le.. now da problem is dat council live is startin all over again.. xianz.. tml got ground leadership camp.. xianz.. can u believe it? frm 845 to 530.. wat da hell la.. im seriously goin to ROT!!! u know wat is rot? its R.O.T. ROT.. haha.. wah.. cnat take it la.. i dunw an go.. i wan go out w mypals.. i wanna chill.. i wanna have a break.. i wanna relax.. i wanna catch up w my old pals. miss them xia.. esp my becky baby.. gosh.. really needa hang w her.. haha.. hmm.. but there's tis feelin inside me.. i feel dat our frenship had somehow bian dan le.. da sense as in we drifted apart.. haiz.. her frenship means alot to me.. she is my best bud.. my gerfren.. my baby.. i dun wanna be drifted away frm her.. hopefully its juz my own imagination.. well.. im really so tired la mentally physically..everywhere.. oh.. u know wat.. my whole back is itchin like cock la.. wah.. cannot even scratch.. cuz willpain..really is huo shou zui.. haha.. but my burns are not as bad as da rest.. cuz my face is not peelin like da rest.. woo hoo..can suan em.. wahhaha..

hmm.. u know wat.. dat frenship of me and him is salvaged!!! feel so proud of myself.. wahaha..hmm.. hopefully tings will stay da way it is.. haha.. k la.. im rather tired le.. gotta slp.. nitex..

haiz.. i cant sighz anymore.. life sux.. i juz cant seem to have things my way.. really want to giv my best fer council.. but.. haiz.. they can do watever they wan la.. now aft all dat they say i feel like im an ass.. a big freakin bad one too.. am i really dat bad? i really cant perform my duty well meh? not even da slightest bit? mi gosh.. i really feel like dirt.. really feel dat im an ass and i shld hav never joined council.. haiz.. haiz.. hiaz..really got nth to say la.. i dunno how to put wat i wanna say into words la.. huo xu zhe yi qie gen ben bu shu yu wo.. =(

whoo hoo!!! finally.. finally.. its over!!! my promos are over.. so over.. hmm.. i shall not worry abt da results cuz i di wat i cld.. da rest is up to god.. hmm.. yesterday went sentosa w my deraest freeLANcers..we suntanned.. and now we look like lobster wannabes.. haha.. had a great time w them..we played.. talked.. suntanned.. whahaha.. juz enjoyed being w em..how i wish dat we can be so free.. enjoy all da freedom tgt.. and we muz oso be rich enuf to hav da lifestyles we want.. wah.. if dat really happen.. i really feel dat im da happiest ger on earth.. haha.. wah..now so pain la.. tml go sch duno how.. mm.. aft suntannin we went ps fer luncheon..ate pizza.. wah.. really like dat kinda feelin.so wo xin.. haha.. i really em to tiny lil bits.. haha.. they are da best.. hmm.. even wen im w becky they all oso nv feel liddat b4.. hmm.. we went to play a few rounds of silly games in ps aft our meal... haha.. so fun.. swear dat i wanna go play w em again.. haha.. so fun la..although we were achin and painnin all over.. haha.. hmm.. dan we walked all da way to pool junction. played fer a while w daniel and his fren-jason.. as usual.. yc was flirtin w him.. hhaa.. maybe not la.. but our dear yc is liddat to all guys.. haha.. so funny la.. dan dat jason seem so nice la.. so gentleman.. haha.. me and daniel was teasin da both of em all along and da moz poor ting one is yc.. haha.. she kena da most suanin.. wahhahahhaahhahahaha.. so fun.. hmm.. i dun wan tis to end.. i wan holidays to come.. so i can enjoy myself to da fullest.. woohoo.. haha.. k la.. i gtg alr.. meetin my dear chinny chin chin fer lunch.. hmm.. so hungry..*yum yum* tata

phew.. im halfway there.. todays thursday and before i know it.. i will have finished my promos on monday..hm.. really cant wait.. well.. u know wat.. so far.. all da paper i did rite.. haha.. tink cannot make it le.. see me in 05 ya.haha.. it will be a miracle if i can pass.. cuz im really doomed la.. haha.. hmm.. well.. went tannin with yc and amanda today.. did some econs mcqs.. well.. i shant talk to u more..cuz i gonna do somemore.. anyway.. im gonna slack frm tml onwards.. ahha.. dan tml.. onday aft paper.. and tues.. im goin to hav my own post promos activities.. cool rite? haha..

haiz.. i lost a fren today.. why is life always liddat? we had fun and joy tgt.. but bcuz of some stupid reasons dats it man.. hiaz..why is life liddat? haiz.. im really at my lost ends.. urgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tis sux.. my life sux.. i value frens more dan anything lor.. frens are always there.. but love will not be.. who will be listenin to me wen i hav troubles in love? frens do..not my love.. so i value frenship more dan anything.. haiz.. im really really v sad.. 1 fren gone juz liddat.. haiz..

oh dear.. my promos is less than 24 hrs.. im really scared.. shit lor.. i haven even finish studyin.. really feel like dying.. wat if i really dun do well.. dats da end of me alr.. can u tell me well am i shit fer da past few days? if not i would hav completed my econs le.. xianz.. i really got no energy to tink and study lor.. really wonder how to go onto battlefield and battle tml.. haha.. tink i will be either a dead soldier or a badly wounded one.. sighz.. really hate all tis kinda big exam.. it always make my lil brain suffer.. hate sch mans.. but i will never hate my dear free lancers.. they are da best.. love u loads.. haha.. kk.. better go back study alr.. take care.. all da best to ppl havin exams and tests and to myself.. and of cuz my dear free lancers..